By CHRIS
This week I returned from living in the sex-riddled haven that is East Berlin to living in my parents semi-detached house in the Toronto Beaches. To smother the pain of being in a neighborhood that consistently reminds me I am fat and gay, I have been confiding in my ever-faithful vices: ice cream and Trek. Welcome back, bitches.
I have 8 binary digits for you: 11001001 (AKA the title of Ep 15, Season 1: Star Trek TNG). Seriously, as if I need ANOTHER reason to rail on Riker! This episode truly epitomizes the blatant douchiness of his being in every way/shape/form. WARPBARF!
The premise of the sode is that the Bynar (a group of binary-code spouting he-shes) capture the ship to transfer their whole civilization onto the Enterprise's computer system or some shit that doesn't really make sense but whatever I'll buy it. The real beauty of the plot is how they "reformat" the Holodeck to distract Riker by letting him create some uber-realistic "girl of his dreams" to grind with on a faux "New Orleans Jazz" dance floor for a few hours. Reasons why this episode is fucked up:
#1. Now, granted, who hasn't dreamed about using the Holodeck to simulate some sortof kinky character-related boff-fest, but that's a private matter (in my case, usually involving Troi, a joint and some soft Sinead O'Connor). As if I even want to consider Riker's sexual fantasies, I have to get a full visual embodiment of his ultimate skull-fuck. Ew! The Holodeck creates a bevy of Rikeresq "babes" for him to choose from (totally sexist & creepy btw) and his final choice is the third creation ("Minuet", a brunette New Orleans Jazz enthusiast). Not only is she totally vacant and shitty, she looks like a cat-faced burn victim.
#2. Instead of just getting down to it right away, Rikes forces Minuet to watch him play his trombone for like 20 minutes, proving he is not only a sexist chauvinistic pig, he is like the most self-absorbed dick bag ever! He even has the nerve to make out with the Holochick in front on JLP! I mean, they're off duty, but that's like shitting on a baby Jesus statue on Christmas Eve!
#3. "How far can this relationship go? I mean how real are you?" God, Riker! Are you kidding? I just barfed all over my Dad's laptop! Who are you, Davecat?
In conclusion: GROSS, GROSS, GROSS! Star Trek is all about painfully subtle sexual innuendos between crew members giving geeks across the globe sensible masturbatory jet-fuel, not throwing it in our faces and making us squeamish and uncomfortable. Seriously, Riker, you have crossed the line (once again) ruining TNG for everyone and basically ruining my life so I hope you die in a car accident.
watch the ep yourself here.
2 comment(s):
Oh man...they were just airing this one on TV!! i watched the whole thing and you are right, i did feel a little used and dirty afterwards...
This is totally my fav ep after the de-evolution one. Shutup your mouth, the title of this article says it all.
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