Like Trekkie Like Son

That is a photo of my dad and I. He's dressed as Indiana Jones. He's not a Trekkie. Today I had dinner at my parents house and Trek came up so I thought I would share.

DAD: The Star Trek movie was great!
ME: I know!
DAD: Great. But a bit cheesy.
MOM: Well Christine, you know the original Trekkies, they really got a kick when Scotty said his classic line. "Beam me up!"
ME: ???
DAD: The character, Scotty, he's from Aberdeen, Scotland you know. But not the actor who plays him. He's a damn Irish!
ME: Cool. I'll put that on my blog.
MOM: (feeling outdone) Well... I heard Scotty was a transsexual!
DAD: ????
ME: ????

It should be noted that my father has a thick Scottish accent and my mother is Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.

Kirk Attack!

I haven't posted in the last few days & all I have to say is: drugs + liquor + 20 mg ratio-fluoxetine caplets does not equal thumbs up party, it equals 9am stare at the white wall until your eyes bleed death party. Guess whose quitting drinking! Yay!

In other news I got a job on a film set as an extra for this awesome huge movie that has to do with comics and I'm uber bummed out because I signed a confidentiality contract and I'm not allowed to talk about it! Secrets don't make friends! Let's see how long I last!

Also, contrary to my previous post (and the subsequent backlash from devoted Shatner-femmes) I will concede that Will is indeed multi-talented in a variety of genres. For example, today at the bookstore I stumbled across his autobiography, Up Till Now, complete with a sixteen page colour photo insert. He begins his gripping life story with this wisdom-nugget:

"Call me … Captain James T. Kirk, or Sergeant T.J. Hooker, or Denny Crane or Twilight Zone plane passenger Bob Wilson or the Big Giant Head or Henry V or the Priceline Negotiator or …

Well, that's the problem, isn't it? I've been a working actor for more than half a century and I've played so many different roles on the stage, on television, and in the movies that it would be impossible to focus on just one of them. Besides, my career as an actor is only part of my story, so I realized I couldn't begin this book that way."

Uh, yeah. William Shatner or Shakespeare? You be the judge!

Natalie Portman, Stop Stealing My Bit!

Being knee-deep in semi-unemployment has really opened up a world of interesting possibilities for me. For example, today I stayed in bed until 1pm and then stared at a pile of ants that has been growing under our recycling bin for about an hour. Bliss.

Other things that unemployment has offered me is a lot of time to wail on my pecs, to watch MTV shows that make me want to kill myself, and also to write raps about Star Trek. So anyone who wants to be featured in my future bumpin' ST music video write some verses it will be so much fun.

In closing, I found out recently that my ex is having a child. As in a real child. Like one that comes out of a crotch. Like, congrats and everything, but this makes me feel weird in so many ways. Probably similar to Shatner when he woke up, fat and out of work, and realized that he would die alone with only his Star Trek fame to comfort his corpse. Or something.

Damnit, Jim! I'm a Doctor...

by CHRIS

Yesterday was what is now commonly referred to now as a "grey day" which means I, more or less, spent the entire day in bed watching Grey's Anatomy high on Lorazepam weeping hysterically & pondering "where the FUCK IS MY MCDREAMY?!!!" This is not the first time. I don't know what it is about Grey's Anatomy, it is the absolute fucking worst show ever, but it still manages to kick my ass back into the barren lands of heteronormativity every single time. It's like the anecdote for queer independent feminist living because it just makes me want to have deep weep sex with Patrick Dempsey for hours AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT DIE

Anyway, the whole thing has got me to thinking about doctors, which got me thinking about television doctors, which got me thinking about television Star Trek doctors, and what the allure of the whole thing is. Think about it. Bones? The Crush? Both notably boneable characters! Exceptionally boneable really. But why? What is it about docs that make us feel so tight in the pants?

I asked my best friend, Brigid, who is currently in med school to help me understand it. She said it was POWER, they have POWER over you, which is totalllllly true. Do you think I would have spent 18 hours alone in my room imagining my future death from AIDS if my fucking bitch of a "doctor" hadn't fucked up my pap smear? Dont think so! In less pap (& more Trek related) terms, it also holds true. Crusher basically has JLP's dick in a jar for the whole series, she owned him, and could pull rank at any time. And Bones-Kirk? Do I even need to go there with weird sexy power struggles?
Meow. In conclusion, we love docs because they own us, and can tell us what to do, and it's even worse when they're sexy, which they only are on TV (unless you're Brigid). This conclusion has managed to offer me some solace, however, in terms of Patrick Dempsey mostly, because now I will hopefully free-associate his name with AIDS.

Trek in Under 100

If you know me you know I hate reading. I'm not dumb or anything it's just boring. This is why I like photos & why I switched from Lit to Archaeology, & why I haven't read all of the Trek paperbacks yet & why if blogs aren't spliced with about a billion pix it's like an instant smell ya later. Frankly I'm sick of apologizing. If I hear one more person tell me "You need to be a good reader to be a good writer" I'm going stab them.

Anyway, In keeping with my standards, The wonderfully trekular Miark, has crafted a delightfully brief review of the new Trek movie:

Bones is still annoying but now he's hot so I'm conflicted, Spock is still adorable but now he's hot so I'm conflicted, Kirk is still an asshole but now I know what he looks like in tighty whitey's so now I'm conflicted, Uhura has a first name blah blah blah who cares, Wynona Rider fucking rocks my life.

Scrumptious! Send more (under 100 word) reviews to me @ cepurquhart@gmail.com so I can read them! (Maybe!)

Trek: The Cause of Pedophilia?

by CHRIS

Now don't get me wrong, I hate pedophiles as much as the next guy, but this article by Ellen Ladowsky outlining why almost all recorded pedophiles are self proclaimed Trekkies is just about the best shit I have read in a long time:

It's easy to imagine how the garden variety pedophile might identify with the half-human, half-Vulcan character who is bereft of human feeling, essentially neither male nor female, and living in a society where those around him seem to have a different set of rules.

For both Kirk and Spock, their true shared love object is the luminous Starship Enterprise, and it essentially serves the purpose of a fetish object – a non-human, inanimate detour for evading anxieties belonging to genuine intimacy.

This does not mean that watching Star Trek makes you a pedophile. It does mean that if you're a pedophile, odds are you've watched a lot of Star Trek.

I love this woman! But what does this say about Star Trek sex columnists? Seriously though, LOLbombs all around.

Obligatory Movie Post

by CHRIS

People keep asking me what I think about the film. "Xtine, what's your take on the time travel cop out? Did you like it/hate it? Feelings on Vulcan-explosion? Blah Blah Blah!" My answer? WHATEVER. Yeah, it was fucking good, we all know it was fucking good! Honestly, I don't really know how to approach the whole subject. I feel all this peer pressure to write my opinions on it. It's like grade 9 when I had to explain in intricate detail to everyone I knew how I gave [name deleted to protect politically fragile identity] a handjob in Jeanettes moms basement during her fall house party. I mean, I loved it at the time, but who wants to rehash a good thing over and over until all the joy has seeped out the end?

Anyway, send your reviews in if you feel like it and I'll post them under my name. I will probably write my own eventually when I'm not demoralized from unemployment & hung from hitting up gay bars on Wednesdays to fill the emptiness.

I will make this comment about the film: how badly did everyone dig the Spock- Uhura thing? I mean, granted, it made me uncomfortable, but not necessarily in a run away sortof way!

Also, if anyone wants to see it again and take me as their accompaniment I am more than willing though I'm not necessarily dolling out HJs as liberally as in ninth grade.

The Dating Politics of Trek

by CHRIS
***

me: anyway, the whole thing is a nightmare, being with you was fun for like 2 seconds but really the whole thing with you just made me feel like shit and like fucked me over

std: oh come on
it wasn't that bad
i didn't make you feel like shit on purpose
me: we couldnt even eat breakfast together!
std: we did so have breakfast one time in neukölln
std: otherwise, yeah...by the mornings i had usually had a very strong dose of you and i felt i needed to leave sorry i wasn't able to be more tactful you just weirded me out sometimes
me: weirded you out?
dude, i left you!
std: i knew it wouldn't work the moment you said star trek

***

And this, my beloved Trekkie friends, is a verbatim segment from a particularly nasty & immature spat with my Berlin ex-bf (who I have, very un-cattily, begun to refer to as STDaniel). Now, regardless of the fact I was the one who ended things with STD, primarily because he was kindof a dickbag, and secondly because he had a severe addiction to amphetamines, he still managed to totally burn my ass and make me feel deeply unlovable. On top of this he also somehow managed to blame Star Trek for the whole thing. (????)

This whole experience has made me reevaluate relationships on a deeper level, and while I hate to feel like such a jaded curmudgeon, some life lessons have definitely been learned.

Number one life lesson: Never date a non-Trekkie.
A) you have no power over them.
B) they are usually conventionally good looking, or are used to receiving positive reinforcement about their appearance in some other subculture, and have thus stopped developing any emotional vulnerability.
C) you can't watch Trek with them.
D) they try and turn you off the things you love the most (Trek).

Life Lesson Two: You Will Die Alone.
Chances are if you are a Trek fan you're probably going to die alone. Get used to it! This is not Malcoria III, this is REAL LIFE, and in real life true love does not exist, especially for sweaty-palmed trekkers who live in their parents' basement. Sorry guys.

Life Lesson Three: Somebody Please Date Me.
Okay, Okay, this is not exactly a lesson, but more of a desperate plea to my modest online following. Please date me. I'm lonely, afraid, and not as mean as I came off in above mentioned gmail chat. I swear.

So Daniel, if you are reading this, I do apologize for publicly railing you out/posting a defiled photograph of you on a creepy geek culture sex blog. But, to my credit, I did warn you of my Trek "weirdness" from the offset. And, despite the fact you were a true emotional amputee, I still think you are a babe, and do hope you are happy with your new French punk girlfriend (even if she did give you oral herpes the night we broke up). Bye.