To Bone or Not to Bone...

THE DURAS SISTAHS

Speaking of... would you let these ladies tug yer targ/bump your bat'leth?

To Con or Not to Con.....?

I apologize for my lack of bloggering. I've spent my entire week eating bread, watching TNG and boning. Life rules. I also turned 23! One year closer to corpse.

In other news, I'm having a major dilema. I've been asked to read some of my writing at the Queens conference on Animality in the Humanities (don't ask) but the conference falls on the same weekend of the Vancouver Star Trek Convention!!!!

I have two choices:

1. Attend the conference, practice "public speaking", fly to Kingston (barrrrf), build professional portfolio/academic career
   
2. Stay in Vancouver, attend the Trekcon, seduce the Duras sisters, and give Nimoy a HJ
   

What do you think?

To Bone or Not to Bone...

THE REGINALD BARCLAY EDITION!

wouldyahitit?

Post dedicated to my friend, Ivy.

My Brother Rules

This is my brothers response to Why Data is the Most Sexually Frustrated member of TNG:

Data is the most sexually frustrated of all the Star Trek characters for a plethora of reasons.

We can surmise from ST; TNG and the movies that Data has had sex exactly two times. Once with Tasha Yar when they were looped on intergalactic space virus and once with the Borg Queen (no lube required.) Then, he is blown-up in the tremendously disappointing finale of Star Trek; Nemesis.

The number of times Wesley Crusher and Geordie LaForge get laid is ambiguous and up for debate. Did Wesley get with the Daulphin? (probably not.) Did he feel up Ashley Judd’s Judds? (I hope so.) Also, the academy is practically a poon party after hours. Where do you think that asshole cadet Locarno thought up reviving the Kolvoord Starburst maneuver? Answer: A Klingon kegger.

There is also the issue of Data having no emotions. Even after release, assuming he is fully functional like he so adamantly claims, he can never be satisfied. Sex to him is just another function akin to calculating the trajectory of an asteroid. The unique benefits of a good fucking are not available. Sure he never gets so horny he’ll fuck a worm-like alien like No. 1, but he’ll never experience a post-coital Riker-rush either. Yes, Riker is usually alone in bed when this happens, and his partner is obsessively scrubbing her skin raw in the bathroom and washing her vag in an effort to prevent STD transmission, but damn it, Will feels good. So good he might ramp up a shitastic trombone solo.

I digress. But for these reasons and more, Data must remain at the top of the sexual frustration scale.

A footnote to this retort; I have moved Worf higher up the scale in lieu of Star Trek; DS9, which I did not consider when initially composing this scale. It is important to consider the entire breadth of the ST canon and so I admit my mistake.

Dad of the Year

Check out this dude who spoke only Klingon to his child for three years. Kinda makes me look like a puss for sticking it out in Extended French for my whole youth. Think of my squandered potential.

Star Trek Sexual Frustration Scale

This chart was made by my bro, Keith! It is definitely up for debate! Also: sorry I haven't written shit, I'm busy fucking around and doing nothing.

Is Burning Man Better than Trek?

My whole room smells like a rancid sweat-lodge and my ass muscles hurts constantly but other than that, my hot yoga has been going well. In other news, the afterburn party was rad. This old man dressed as a marching band leader stole my hula hoop and shook his rump for a good two hours. It was epic. But I was so tired I passed out for the entire day and missed the comicon. :(

An Elephant Never Forgets...

This morning I went to sweep up the leaves in our greenhouse and I found this dude! My roommate said she made him for the Save the Ancient Forests protest and he's beautiful and majestic I'm glad he is living with us now.

This afternoon I'm watching TNG and planning my outfit for the Burning Man After Burn Party but so far all I have is fake eyelashes and *maybe* a pleather girdle.

I'm thinking about switching over this blog to Wordpress... thoughts? And how?

Burning Man After Party This Saturday

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
what am i gunna wear? So stoked!

To Bone or Not to Bone...

Geordi Motherfuckin Laforge

Option a) with visor
Option b) without visor
Option c) on the beach, wasted, drinking coco no-nos

Where no loincloth hath gone before

TREK SCHWING OF THE WEEK!
(thanks, Kaitlin!)

I would kill to see P. Stew live on stage. In London a few months ago my bro and I lined up for hours in the cold to see him in Hamlet but failed. In other news: I got out of bed today!

Bed-Bound

I've been spending a lot of time in bed. A lot of time. Borderline aunt with cats and seasonal depressive disorder pass me the sad lamp and Doritos sort of stuff going on. Except I'm not really depressed at all, just lazy and fat and addicted to skype and hungover every morning pretty much. Anyway, I was just coming online to say:

HAPPY 100th POST!

Viewership is up 96.5% and I love each and every one of your internet eyeballs.Thanks for reading about my geeky ass life.

To Bone or Not to Bone....

Lore

Would you let Lore pull your Noonien Soon? Would you let him be your Sugar Data? Discuss.

Bowling for Klingon Blood

Here's a photo of me bowling from last night. And here's a videos of a bowling battle between Furries and Klingons in Atlanta. I'm actually not opposed to the idea of spending my future Friday nights at the bowling alley, it seems like its a colourful crew.

Sulu Bio

Click here to see a reading of George Takei autobiography as read by Eugene Pack. I don't like how Pack is making fun of Sulu, I totally want to read this book unironically. Apparently it talks about him picking strawberries as a teenager! And bitch fighting Shatner! Bliss.

(Thanks for the link, Claire!)

The Literary Trekkie

As I might have mentioned I started my Masters at UBC this fall in writing, so I have been making lots of writerly friends, many of whom are alcoholics, and others who are also Trekkies. Here is a rhyming couplet poem by one of said friends, whose name is Taylor Brown-Evans, and whose stories are better than mine:

Convention

“nuqneH,” knot in throat, fake fangs collecting spit mangle the hello, she doesn’t hear.

“nuqneH?” his body shakes under pvc shoulder pads, sweat under make-up smears,

“nuqneH?” she turns surprised, didn’t see him, her wig slaps his face as she spins,

“nuqneh,” he feels Brian stare at them from the shadow of Ferengi ears, hears his grin,

“tlhIngan Mah!” real eyes behind the head-ridges, she looks at him, he feels inadequate,

“tlhIngan Mah...” sounds flat now, fake, the electricians tape on his arms looks third rate,

tlhIngan Mah used to be enough, made him feel good, a borrowed community from space

tlhIngan Mah, yelled to Brian, an inside joke, warming occlusion, just us in this race

tlhIngan Mah, sacred till now to no one but them, until he spotted this girl at TrekCon,

“tlhIngan Mah,” Brian said from under his ears “you gotta talk to that hottie in Klingon!”

“nuqjatlh?” she slurps around fake teeth, but he’s lost now, two of his three phrases used,

nuqjatlh baffles him, he knew it, but he can’t think, notices instead her eyes are blue,

“nuqjatlh” Brian stares, she stares, as do men in booths selling models of the Enterprise,

“Heghlu’meH qaq jajvam” she offers, and she’s right: today is a good day to die.

“nuqneH,” hello’s all he’s got. His forehead’s beginning to slide down his face, besides

tlhIngan Mah’s lost its lustre, seems empty, just hours in front of TV, mesmerised,

“nuqneH,” she says patiently, but with everyone watching, his guts fall to his feet,

tlhIngan Mah forgotten, friendship forsaken, he can feel how Brian loves this defeat,

“nuqneH,” takes out fake teeth, strings of spit, “nice costume” he manages to say

“nuqjath?” she replies, looks confused “Je m’excuse, mais je ne parle pas anglais,”

TREK CON IN THE HORIZON! YIPEE!

Yes! Vancouver Star Trek Convention Dates announced: June 25th-27th, 2010

Regular Tickets: 179 for entry 359 for GOLD PACKAGE which includes:

1) The absolute best reserved seats in the main theatre

2) Complimentary in-person autographs with great guests including LEONARD NIMOY, BARBARA MARCH, GWYNYTH WALSH

3) First to get autographs!

4) Complimentary admission to our SATURDAY NIGHT DESSERT AND COCKTAIL PARTY! "Mix and mingle with fellow fans and selected guests, plus surprise cabaret entertainments featuring some fantastic Star Trek celebrities. This event is EXCLUSIVE for Gold Weekend Patrons and definitely not to be missed!"

5) Pre-Registration Fun

6) Wristband access: we have special color coded wristbands and collectible lanyard credentials for GOLD Package Holders: once you get set you don’t need to wait again!

7) Admission to the vendors room

QUESTIONS: How the fuck am I going to raise this money? And who is coming with me?

TakeiATTACK

I'm seriously pissed at all y'all right now... how has nobody ever told me about takeiATTACK? This is my new favourite band of all time.... I mean don't even know if it's a 'band' or just some fucked up trekkie dude making techno songs called Little Baby Chickens in his mom's basement. Either way it's BLOWING MY MIND OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE!!!! Check it out.

To Bone or Not to Bone....

Ensign Wesley Crusher

Boom-shaka-laka. Discuss.

Vulcan Hoop Dreamz

HAPPY WEEN TREK LOVERS!
Horray for binge eating processed cheese in the village dressed as Saavik.
God I really need a new uniform and I also need to get laid bye.